I Hate My Life
I’m twenty-seven and I already feel defeated by this so-called precious journey.
On paper, my current life circumstances are a far cry from miserable. I am a Senior Food Scientist, one of the highest positions in my field. Typically it takes an average of 7–10 years of “relevant” experience to achieve that title. I achieved it in 3.5 years. I make roughly six figures and don’t work absurd hours. I have an abundance of friends, which are all great, inspiring, and successful. I am close with my brothers and sisters; made amends with my parents. Yet my fake smile always leads to me grieving my existence every night.
All I can think about is who’s to blame:
“The devil” for disguising as god; whispering in my mother’s ear that I was the devil’s child as she held a knife over my infant body?
The Tv not being loud enough to hear my father slam my stepmom’s head through the wall, causing me to witness what I thought was a murder at only five years old?
My friend for telling my first crush that I liked her, just for her to cry at the very horror of the idea of being near me?
My lack of appetite for allowing me to stay so scrawny that it compelled every girl I met to ridicule me regarding my size before even hearing my name?
The new wave of short kings for grouping me in with them for being under six feet; which in turn created the top 14% of men as the minimum height standard amongst most women?
Or all the girls who told me I will be the perfect husband one day, just to watch them all marry someone who’s nothing like me.
Quite frankly, I’m the only one to blame. I let it all get to me. If I didn’t care as much, I would likely be much happier. When I complain about it, all I hear is the same thing — “It’s all in your head” or “You’ll find someone, one day”.
Good intentions that just invalidate my feelings, causing me to deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of despair. The truth is I don’t want to find just ‘some’ ‘one’. I don’t think anyone does. Everyone whether they realize it or not wants to have a choice of various valuable options; Then choose the best option within that group.
Think about it. If you found the “perfect” person. But that person was the only person that will ever like you, find you attractive, or even consider you as a potential partner. I guarantee you will be miserable in the relationship; while simultaneously holding on to that person for dear life. That person can take full advantage of you and you will come up with every excuse to justify their behavior. Alternatively, if you had an abundance of viable options and the “perfect” person soon turned into someone “not so perfect”, you will have the courage to leave this person knowing you can get and deserve better.
Anyway, that’s irrelevant. The point is, I’m miserable. and I honestly don’t know if I’ll make it through the next year. I’m becoming numb to everything that used to excite me. Even worse, I’m becoming numb to anything that caused me pain.
I’m beginning to feel nothing.
In return, nothing seems to matter anymore.
